I decided to scientifically compare Evander Kane and Patrick Kane along several key dimensions to figure out who I’d rather have on the Jets.
Nickname
Evander: Gucci (not verified / poorly sourced)
Patrick: 20 Cent
Edge: Patrick
Lack of Douchiness
Evander: Seems to be a great guy by all accounts.
Patrick: See the picture at the top of the post.
Edge: Evander
Athletic Lineage
Evander: Father was an amateur boxer and hockey player. Mother was a professional volleyball player.
Patrick: Father sells cars.
Edge: Evander
Better Neck Size to Head Size Ratio
Evander: His neck looks like it could kick my ass.
Patrick: Fairly normal looking neck.
Edge: Even though the criteria is ‘ratio’, I can’t overlook the Chuck Norris-like aspect of Evander’s neck. He wins.
Boxing Experience
Evander: Named after the great Evander Holyfield.
Patrick: Once threatened to punch a cabbie in the face over 20 cents.
Edge: Evander
Better Laugh
Evander: Not relevant.
Patrick: Not relevant.
Edge: It’s a trick question, Jason Spezza wins.
Number of Stanley Cup Rings
Evander: 0 – hopefully soon to change.
Patrick: 1
Edge: Patrick
Overall Winner: I used a complicated weighting system to come up with an aggregate score across all the dimensions and it turns out we’ve got the better Kane. Case Closed.
It’s probably worth pointing out that this post was all in good fun. I’m sure Patrick is a decent dude.
Evander’s a beast. He’ll be one of the world’s best 10 forwards in a few years. You should have compared them on mouth guard dramatics.
Hilarious guy!! The only category that I can see Patrick winning is a mullet growing contest…… Prove me wrong Evander, prove me wrong, lol
definitely the better kane for sure!! evander is in the mold of iginla and he seems to be of a similar nature in that he is a very friendly and good teammate but is fiery and fiesty on the ice. those kinds of players don’t come around very much, and with patrick being a multi millionaire and pulling the whole cabbie punch over 20 cents was one of the most ridiculous, selfish, immature moves i’ve ever witnessed by a professional athlete. it’s too bad that toews seems to be good friends with him because they certainly are not cut from the same mold that’s for sure.