I decided to scientifically compare Evander Kane and Patrick Kane along several key dimensions to figure out who I’d rather have on the Jets.
Evander: Gucci (not verified / poorly sourced)
Patrick: 20 Cent
Lack of Douchiness
Evander: Seems to be a great guy by all accounts.
Patrick: See the picture at the top of the post.
Evander: Father was an amateur boxer and hockey player. Mother was a professional volleyball player.
Patrick: Father sells cars.
Better Neck Size to Head Size Ratio
Evander: His neck looks like it could kick my ass.
Patrick: Fairly normal looking neck.
Edge: Even though the criteria is ‘ratio’, I can’t overlook the Chuck Norris-like aspect of Evander’s neck. He wins.
Evander: Named after the great Evander Holyfield.
Patrick: Once threatened to punch a cabbie in the face over 20 cents.
Evander: Not relevant.
Patrick: Not relevant.
Edge: It’s a trick question, Jason Spezza wins.
Number of Stanley Cup Rings
Evander: 0 – hopefully soon to change.
Overall Winner: I used a complicated weighting system to come up with an aggregate score across all the dimensions and it turns out we’ve got the better Kane. Case Closed.