Which Kane Would You Rather Have?

I decided to scientifically compare Evander Kane and Patrick Kane along several key dimensions to figure out who I’d rather have on the Jets.


Evander:  Gucci (not verified / poorly sourced)

Patrick:  20 Cent

Edge:  Patrick

Lack of Douchiness

Evander:  Seems to be a great guy by all accounts.

Patrick:  See the picture at the top of the post.

Edge:  Evander

Athletic Lineage

Evander:  Father was an amateur boxer and hockey player. Mother was a professional volleyball player.

Patrick:  Father sells cars.

Edge:  Evander

Better Neck Size to Head Size Ratio

Evander:  His neck looks like it could kick my ass.

Patrick:  Fairly normal looking neck.

Edge:  Even though the criteria is ‘ratio’, I can’t overlook the Chuck Norris-like aspect of Evander’s neck.  He wins.

Boxing Experience

Evander:  Named after the great Evander Holyfield.

Patrick:  Once threatened to punch a cabbie in the face over 20 cents.

Edge:  Evander

Better Laugh

Evander:  Not relevant.

Patrick:  Not relevant.

Edge:  It’s a trick question, Jason Spezza wins.

Number of Stanley Cup Rings

Evander:  0 – hopefully soon to change.

Patrick:  1

Edge:  Patrick

Overall Winner:  I used a complicated weighting system to come up with an aggregate score across all the dimensions and it turns out we’ve got the better Kane.  Case Closed.

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4 Responses to Which Kane Would You Rather Have?

  1. ERN says:

    It’s probably worth pointing out that this post was all in good fun. I’m sure Patrick is a decent dude.

  2. Habby2CU says:

    Evander’s a beast. He’ll be one of the world’s best 10 forwards in a few years. You should have compared them on mouth guard dramatics.

  3. 2Quik says:

    Hilarious guy!! The only category that I can see Patrick winning is a mullet growing contest…… Prove me wrong Evander, prove me wrong, lol

  4. Deetsdawg says:

    definitely the better kane for sure!! evander is in the mold of iginla and he seems to be of a similar nature in that he is a very friendly and good teammate but is fiery and fiesty on the ice. those kinds of players don’t come around very much, and with patrick being a multi millionaire and pulling the whole cabbie punch over 20 cents was one of the most ridiculous, selfish, immature moves i’ve ever witnessed by a professional athlete. it’s too bad that toews seems to be good friends with him because they certainly are not cut from the same mold that’s for sure.